I decided to simplify myself.

 

     

Because, when I was complicated I didn't know that what I realized was real. I would think to myself, that yes such an such and event occurred this way but the moment any one disagreed with me, or told me it wasn't so I would say:

Hmm, maybe I don't really know what happened, maybe it didn't occur the way I thought it did. I would say, but maybe they are right.
?  

I wouldn't know for sure, and I felt like maybe I was right, and maybe they were wrong and I couldn't say for sure because back then, I was a liar. I would lie about all the little things; I would say things like,

No, I'm really not mad that even though we sold my car to pay off our bills you went and bought yourself a $2,000 bicycle

And even though I really was mad as hell, I couldn't really be sure about it, because, that's not what I said I was. When I really did say I was mad, the object of my anger would say "you're mad at me? No, I'm mad at you because you are a bitch"

 

 

 

 

?

I couldn't be sure at that point who was right, but I was certain it was important for me to find out.

 

?

So I stopped saying yes where I meant no. Instantly, I had time for Yoga. and mornings off from work. I started writing again. After a while it felt so great I tried another one: stop saying it is alright, when it is all wrong. I actually attended a Yoga class with my friends, I discovered that I had friends! Next I tried putting my needs level with others. I began feeding myself and realized I hadn't eaten in a very long time. I tried drinking water again and realized I was dehydrated. I began breathing and realized I'd suffocated myself since I was a child. Once I recognized what I was, I realized I could transform out of what I wasn't.

 

I felt like Michaelangelo's elephant: a giant block of granite containing the shape of me. The only thing necessary to realize this was to carve off that which was NOT me, and there I would be.

The big chunks of NOT me came off in a hurry:

I am freedom! sold my business. I am joy! cut off my dreadlocks. I am visionary! left my television. I am responsible! cut up my credit cards. I am practical! gave up my car. I am solvent! got free of debt. I am brave! left an abusive relationship. I am hope! I try another. I am impetuous! trying a different state. I am sober! stopped medicating myself. I believe! manifesting what I need. I am light! limiting my possessions. I am open! don't keep secrets. I am honest! no more yes when I mean no. I am tired, hungry, thirsty, frightened! rest, eat, drink, breathe.

{wow, what a grammatical nightmare that paragraph is!}

I am. I know what I am not.

Everything seems simple after that.

Now, if I could just figure out what I'm going to do next.
   
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